“She looks like she has it all together, and I’m a mess.”
I hear variations on this all the time.
Social comparison is a really harmful behaviour, especially when what you see is the good times and you notice it when you are feeling overwhelmed or struggling with life. A study published in the Journal of Behavioural Addictions cites social comparison as a potential mechanism for the link between social media use and depression (1). Previous studies have also highlighted Instagram and social media which shows a “perfect” moment in time as more likely to contribute to depression.
It’s pretty hard when you’re sitting in your messy life, looking around at the things you haven’t done, or what needs to be done, only you don’t have the energy, time, or resources to get it done, to then see a picture of someone who looks like they’re managing it all perfectly.
I’m here to tell you, no one has it all together all the time. Including me.
It’s also the time when we are less likely to talk, or post on social media and put it out there that we are having trouble and struggling with life. Social media has also opened up a level of criticism which does not happen face to face. ‘Trolls’ who will comment negatively and in some cases deliberately find ways to have a go at people. Nobody wants judgement when they are down, so instead we disappear into the cracks and don’t share things about ourselves as real people, perhaps just sharing the odd meme or post from another page, and at the same time look at photos of people we know and beat ourselves up because we should be more together at our age and stage of life.
If this is you right now – STOP, breathe and read on. If you have been there before and are remembering it – please pay attention so that if it happens again you are better prepared. If you haven’t experienced this yet, that’s fantastic for you, stay grounded, but keep an eye out for those friends who go quiet, they may need your support.
First of all, we can be our own worst enemies. Ask yourself, would you treat your friend/sibling/neighbour the way you are treating yourself? Would you tell them they should be able to do everything, everyone else is better than them, why are they so useless? I hope you said no, if you didn’t then we need to have a completely different talk about compassion, not just self compassion. Self compassion is hard, but always bring it back to how you would talk to someone else if they were struggling in their life.
Secondly, normalise being real. I would LOVE to see a real picture from your life. Not a carefully sanitised one, not the one of the house that you have frantically cleaned because people are coming over, not just the selection of the beautiful scenery or garden that you have in your phone. Mess is real, things not going right is real, and that is beautiful. Share these things, not just the perfect things.
Equally, stop saying “fine”. Fine is not an emotion, it’s a description of nothing. Let’s practice saying “I’m not great but I don’t want to talk about it” or “things are tough at the moment, and I’m still working at it”. I’ve been known to reply “surviving” on the days when it really just seems like I’m keeping my head above water.
Thirdly, seek help. It may be a friend or family member who you call, burst into tears, talk to and take the time to unload on. It could be seeking professional help of any description – doctor, counsellor, psychologist, naturopath, homeopath or someone else. It could be a helpline like Lifeline (0800 543354) or texting 1737 to talk to a trained counsellor. It maybe going to your employer and discussing work related things, or in a large business Human Resources for support.
And finally, reevaluate your life – this may be something you do with your friend or counsellor, looking at your commitments and what you have to do, and anything you can change. There are often things that we cannot change, and have to manage, but there may be things you can- looking at your lifestyle, at what you’re eating, at meditation, exercise and sleep, or something else.
These things are often much easier said than done. When you’re in that deep dark hole, the blue sky looks a thousand miles away and all the little things look like Mt Everest. You don’t have to do everything, and you don’t need to do it alone. Pick one thing, and ask for help to get through it.
I really like flower essences for emotional support in times like this. There are many – Bach Flower essences are the original, and there are 38 different essences, but these days there are Australian Bush Flower Essences, NZ First Light Flower Essences and many more. Here are just a few that may resonate. You can also make combinations of essences when there are a few different things.
Bach Flower Essences:
Gorse is a remedy for feeling hopeless and miserable, when you don’t feel like nothing will help, and may have been repeatedly disappointed. Gorse brings the light back to the darkness, and the ability to see clearly.
Hornbeam is for overwhelm, leaving you feeling worn out, physically and mentally fatigued, and everything is too much. It helps support you to make changes for a more balanced life.
Mustard has the deep dark depression that is overwhelming. For gloom and sadness comes on suddenly, Mustard helps bring back a sense of joy and peace.
Please reach out for help if you need further support, whether this is a friend, family member, or seeing a professional for further assistance.